Self-Awareness, Emotional Intelligence & How To Grow And Use Them
From the age of just four years old, emotional intelligence begins to develop and a study by the University of California, Berkeley shows that it gradually rises throughout our working lives, peaking at the ripe old age of 60.
For me, it’s one of the things I have loved about getting older. Every year I notice myself becoming more and more self-aware and self-assured. To be honest, I have always put this down to all of the self-development courses I have done so it’s interesting to learn that it gradually rises within everyone. Of course there are ways for developing self-awareness and we’ll take a look at those later.
Another term you may hear is emotional intelligence. This is the ability to manage your own emotions and to understand the emotions of people around you. It enables us to communicate effectively with control and understanding. Self-awareness, emotional intelligence…these may sound like buzz words but they’re actually incredibly powerful, particularly when combined.
Emotional intelligence helps you to build stronger relationships, succeed at school and work, and achieve your career and personal goals. It can also help you to connect with your feelings, turn intention into action, and make informed decisions about what matters to you most.
There are 5 key elements to emotional intelligence; self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills (Daniel Goleman) but it is self-awareness which people deem to be the most important, so let’s look at this in more detail.
Developing Self Awareness And Emotional Intelligence
Awareness in general, is about paying attention – noticing all of the details.
Self-awareness is about recognising and understanding your emotions – what you’re feeling and why – as well as appreciating how your emotions affect those around you.
It’s about noticing everything about yourself; understanding the way you react and behave, your thoughts, your habits and your physical sensations.
Self-awareness is the basis of good intuition and decision-making, helping you to instinctively make the right choices for you in all aspects of life. It’s also about knowing your strengths and weaknesses, and what is important to you – your values or moral compass.
But, the biggest part of self-awareness is about being honest with yourself. When you are self-aware, you are seeing yourself through the eyes of someone else observing you, but we all have an image of how we would like to be perceived by others…
For example, a friend of mine thinks she is really organised but the reality is she doesn’t open her mail and puts it in the drawer without filing it away. Until she lived with her boyfriend, she had no idea how disorganised she was being.
In order for us to be self-aware, we must focus on the reality of our behaviour and not the story we tell ourselves (I also think I’m organised but my husband would beg to differ!).
Physical sensations tell us a lot about ourselves and it’s important we give them the attention they deserve. If something isn’t right, if we’re feeling anxious, or if there’s an overall heaviness to our physical wellbeing, something is off kilter and it needs exploring.
Those who have limited self-awareness will push these physical feelings to one side hoping they will go away but those who are aware will want to explore them. When an emotion becomes a feeling it’s your body’s way of telling you that it needs addressing. Don’t ignore it, look inside and see what’s going on. This is a great first step to becoming more self-aware.
Having a high level of self-awareness is one of the building blocks to developing your emotional intelligence. Greater self-awareness will help you deal better with stress, help your self-development, and help you improve your relationships at both work and home.
Let’s take a look at some easy steps and techniques which will improve your self-awareness (you might well be doing some of these already without realising it):
1. Reflection
Reflection is the ability for us to evaluate our behaviour. If there has been a change in your emotions, what has caused it? If there has been a situation, reflect on it. What happened, what could you have done better, could you have reacted differently, what could you do differently if it were to happen again? Reflection is a great way to learn about yourself and others.
2.Journal
Keeping track of your emotions (mental and physical) can be really useful; notice which situations and people make you feel better as well as those which bring your mood down. What/who triggers you? After a while you’ll start to see patterns and will be be able to make adjustments
3. Identify Your Triggers
Who/what pushes your buttons? We all have at least one thing here!! Once you know what this is you can be better prepared to deal with the situation. I’m not saying it will go away but for example, if you have a boss who winds you up no matter what, go into your meetings with the awareness that you think and behave differently and that you’re probably going to disagree. Be prepared to offer a compromise so that you can both be happy.
4. Question: Why Do You Do Things?
If you do something bad or out of character, ask yourself why you responded in that way. How were you feeling at the time? What triggered you? Has this happened before?
5. Don’t Judge Your Behaviour Or Emotions
We all judge our own behaviour and emotions, it’s inherent within us (it’s the saboteur of the mind) but try not to. Acknowledge and notice it for what it is, good or bad. If you start to judge yourself, this may lead to guilt, shame or anxiety. Be compassionate and kind to yourself, just as you would to others.
6. Notice How You Affect Others
Pay attention to how your emotions and behaviour affects others. There will be specific people who you will need to alter your behaviour for, to get the most out of them. Learn to read the room and respond appropriately.
7. Body Scan
Scan your body from head to toe, notice any discomfort; is your heart heavy, your pulse racing, do you have a knot in your stomach? These are just a few of the physical signs which reflect our emotions. Learn to notice how you are physically feeling and when something isn’t right, check in with your emotions and see what is going on.
Self-Awareness And Emotional Intelligence Are A Process
Becoming more self-aware is a process and it takes time, but if you are able to incorporate some of the above into your life, you will soon start to notice positive changes in yourself. Once we are more self-aware, we are better equipped to deal with any situation which comes our way. For example:
We are better able to accept criticism and take responsibility, owning up to mistakes and learning to move on.
We also learn to set boundaries empowering us to say no when we need to instead of pleasing everyone else to the detriment of our own needs.
Another benefit of being self-aware is that we are able to share our thoughts and feelings with others, something we may have kept to ourselves in the past for fear of being judged or misunderstood.
We will also become better equipped to solve problems, taking an objective rather than subjective view which helps us to find the best solution for all of those involved.
Understanding our emotions and the effect we have on others, is key to better relationships, improved well-being, and stronger communication skills. When we can listen deeply so that we are actually hearing what is being said, over waiting to reply, and when we demonstrate empathy and compassion, the better all of our relationships will be and the higher quality of life we will all live.
Now that you have read a little more about self-awareness and emotional intelligence, have any situations popped into your head where you could have responded differently? Or maybe there’s someone who presses your buttons but you hadn’t quite realised it. If you’ve some time, sit quietly and go through some of the steps above to begin your self-awareness journey. And if you need a little more help, sign up below for a FREE (and no-obligation) chat…
